Twas the night before Christmas (sailor’s version)

Twas the month before Christmas, when all thro’ the boat
Not a creature was stirring, cause we have no goat;
The stockings were hung on a palm tree with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of seashells danced in their heads,
And Mama in her bikini, and I in my might,
Had just settled into our hammock for a warm tropical night.
When out at sea there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the hammock to see what was the matter.
Away to the porthole I struck like a match,
Tore open the bug screen, and threw open the hatch.
The moon on the crest of the falling tide,
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects on the side;
When, what should appear, but a great big sailing canoe,
Manned by eight drunken sailing dudes,
With a salty old captain, speaking swear words so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be a vacationing St. Nick.
More rapid than the wind these bare boaters they came,
And they all danced, and sang, as he called them by name:
“Now! 1st Mate, now! Navagator, now! Chef and Swab,
“On! Winch Grinder, on! Sail Handler, on! Owner and Bob;
“To the Bight of Norman! To the top of Willy T’s!
“Now jump over board! Look around! A naked girl you might sees!”
They drank all the liquor and they took all the women
Because they had to get more provisions since they used the last lemon;
So back out to sea those pirates did attempt,
With a boat full of ladies — but at the wheel the captain was limp
And ran that sailing canoe into another boat,
They banged and rubbed and  grinded but both stayed afloat.
As I turned on the radio and switched to channel sixteen
All the pirates threw St Nick overboard in a mutiny:
He wore a Hawaiian shirt undone in the front,
In his shorts and wearing only one shoe as he got that punt;
As he bobbed there in the warm water
I thought how if he was closer he could swim to the Soggy Dollar.
The water it must have sobered him right up,
Cause he climbed back aboard and threw away everyone’s cup;
He knocked heads and whipped them back into a crew,
By golly he even found his missing shoe!
He return the females to everyone’s delight,
But then he went and dumped all the booze in his flight!
The boats were separated and he apologized for being silly
Besides insurance information he offered a jar of  mango jelly:
He was back in command, his right salty old self,
And I toasted when I saw him in spite of myself;
He then sprung to his post, to his team he gave a command,
And away they all sailed, out of the sight of land:
But I heard him exclaim, as he sailed out of sight —
Marry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

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